I Confess: The conspiracy theories are true

Ernst Blofeld, before his transformation into Joe Biden

In the organization I’m known as “Number 5.” We have been engaged in a year long effort to undermine the Presidency of Donald Trump. It has not been easy. He has created the biggest most beautiful successful Presidency ever, with an economy built personally by him. His stable genius has yielded the country great joy. But our organization has sought to destroy it.

It started when our leader, Ernst Blofeld was able to replicate other humans by immersing himself in a clay like goo. Agent number 3 was in charge of luring Joe Biden into a trap, promising him paraphernalia from the hit show The Office, set in Biden’s birth city of Scranton, PA. Biden was hustled to a secluded mansion where Thumper and Bambi, two nimble female guards, keep watch to make sure he doesn’t escape. Blofeld was transformed to look exactly like Joe Biden, and hit the campaign trail.

My cover is that of a lowly Professor at a small rural college — so unimportant that no one suspects my true profession. During Christmas break I was sent to Wuhan to gather the COVID virus. In February I led an alumni trip to Italy, and that allowed me to start the spread in Italy – important that this be global, so no one suspects its true focus is on Trump. On my return I made sure JFK Airport in New York was doused with the virus. Agent 8 brought some from China to the West coast, the plot was sealed. China and Russia were glad to work with us, because they said that President Trump was so wise and powerful that a second term would spread American power around the globe. We had make him the victim of the biggest most ugly scandal ever!

When lock down started, that freed me up to do more carnage. Teaching on line, meant I could be anywhere. I first went to Minneapolis, the city I was born in and where I used to live. Working with Agent 4, we created a holo-image of a cop killing a black man named George Floyd. Crisis actors provided the back drop. It was all fake. Soon the town was in tumult, and protests grew.

This became very effective because Number 2, the second in command to our leader Blofeld…er…Biden, had an inside gig in the Trump White House. She convinced the President to clear peaceful protesters from Lafayette Square, and then coaxed him to hold a Bible upside down in front of a church – an insane photo op that created such bad visuals that the public turned on the President. That is why Kellyaahhh, I mean, Number 2, is such a mastermind!

Alas, President Trump’s genius gave us no rest. He knew the virus was going to miraculously disappear and pushed Florida, Texas and Arizona to adopt fast re-openings. If successful, the country would reopen quickly, and Trump’s big beautiful best ever Trump Economy would fire on all cylinders, driving socialists to despair. So I was again called into service, using left over samples of the virus I seeded the south with more COVID, and now their case levels are rising and the economy has stalled!

The operation is on going. Agent 12 was sent to Oklahoma and managed to jam the GPS of over 100,000 Trump fans headed to his Tulsa rally. The result was an embarrassment for the President, and for his fans who found themselves in Norman Oklahoma when they should have been in Tulsa.

The operation is working. The President’s poll numbers show him heading to defeat, and the Republicans fear a blue tsunami. As soon as Blofeld becomes…I mean Biden becomes President, all of the secret investigations that were to out 96 Senators, 367 Congressmen, 45 pizza palors, and Wayfair Furniture for their crimes will be wiped clean. The Deep State will pledge allegiance to Ernst Blofeld….damn, I mean, Joe Biden…and we will begin creating a Communist hell grabbing guns from everyone, forcing women to have abortions, and teaching pornography in the schools – exactly what we Democrats have wanted for decades.

So why do I confess? I have no choice. A gun is being held to my head by a member of the British Secret Service. Damn you 007! But Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint will soon be here to take care of him….(evil laugh trailing off)

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